Newsicus Maximus

матрациThe webcage was a live telecast debate arena where discussion would often get very heated.  Enjoy:

Back in the day (2002), Newsicus editors had a great thing going with a CNN knockoff. The site has been revived for your viewing pleasure:

Classic Newsicus is composed of material that was originally written by Newsicus editors back in the mid to late 1990s for now defunct websites. This material now has a permanent home at Newsicus Maximus! This feature, Misprint, exhibited a number of true errors which were found in local newspapers:

 The recent death of actor Heath Ledger, originally ascribed due to drug overdose, has been the fodder of conspiracy theorists the last several weeks.  Ledger, originally found dead in the apartment of actress Mary Kate Olson, was said to have been discovered in his bed by a massage therapist.  Conspiracy theorist Jack Adams, however, thinks this is a clever conspiracy concocted by the Olson twin to prevent strip poker on line gratisstrip poker download gratispoker on line gratuitogioco poker onlinegioco texas holdemtorneo texas holdempoker slot gratisholdem poker on linetexas holdem gameplay wize pokeromaha poker onlinegioca pokersexi poker onlinegioco poker,gioco poker per pc,gioco poker scaricare gratispoker da scaricare gratiscome giocare a pokeraces texas holdemgiochi di poker da scaricareworld poker tournament,poker superstars invitational tournament,poker tournamentparty poker downloadgioco di pokergioco poker per pcdd tournament poker 2.0giochi online di pokergiochi poker gratisbet and win pokergiochi omaha poker gratissiti poker on linetornei poker live,poker live,torneo poker livegioco poker da scaricaregiochi poker texasgioco d azzardo pokerplay poker on linepoker texasstrip poker pc gratisgioco da pokergiochi casino gratisgiochi roulette,giochi di roulette,giochi flash rouletteroulette netmobile casino gamesguida casino online888 casinocraps gratisgiochi kenoonline gamblingslot casinostanze di gioco miglioriquestionario casino on netroulette russaforum casino on line the Gods from lashing their Ledger wrath upon her household.

Adams states that Ledger did not die of a drug overdose, but rather tripped along the sidewalk on the evening of his death, landing in a pile of putrid feces.  Although the feces cushioned the blow, it attracted a clowder of mountain lions which proceeded to maul him.  Ledger fought off the attack, with nary a limb in tact, only to have a final blow dealt to him by the clown from the film “It”.  Adams provided photographic evidence of the encounter along which he states could in no way have ever been doctored.  Even by a doctor.

 ”The individual is handicapped by coming face to face with a conspiracy so monstrous he cannot believe it exists.” -  J. Edgar Hoover

The New York Police Department today issued a warrant for the arrest of Michelle Tanner, aka Shortie, Squirt Jr., Munchkin and Mary Kate Olson. Ledger had been living in Michelle’s house for several months, however tensions had begun to mount between the two. Ledger admittedly used large quantities of drugs inside of the Tanner home, to which Michelle frequently told Heath “You got a bad attitude!” People watching would always erupt in a roar of laughter which seemed wholly inappropriate but would make the situation seem moderately entertaining.

Things became especially difficult between the two after Heath unexpectadly hosted a house party in Michelle’s home. Sources state that Michelle felt that the house was, in her words, becoming a full one. On the evening of Heath’s death, Michelle and Heath got into a fight in front of partygoers. When Heath asked Michelle if she wanted a joint she sarcastically retorted “You got it dude.” When Heath insisted, she said, “Oh puh-lease! No way jose!” Heath became irate and Michelle left the home with her last statement being “You’re in big trouble mister!”

Some feel that the death of Ledger was inevitable, given his years of abusing his partner and himself at the whim of his substance abuse. Others feel Michelle’s father is to blame, given his lack of authority and discipline over his daughter. One thing is universal, nobody blames Michelle. She’s just such a cute kid!

Iran States Nuclear Technology To Be Used Solely For Blowing Up World

I’m Smiling Because I Just Saved A Ton Of Money On Car Insurance By Becoming A Housebound Cripple!

Black People Dump Gangster Image For Negrus The Clown Visage

Golden Globe Awards Launches New Condom Brand, Slogan “Way Too Long, Really Boring, And Full Of A Bunch Of Stuff That Only Your Girlfriend Would Want To See”

Bush Gets Fingers Surgically Fused Into Fist In Case He Has To “Fight A Pretzel”.

Hahahaha Dis Picture Is Funny!

Above: The fetus gets an ultrasound of its fetus 

 In news that has shocked the entertainment world, Britney Spears’ teen sister Jamie Lynn Spear’s fetus has announced that she has become pregnant at the tender age of 6 weeks gestation.  Although (yet to be named) Spears did not comment directly on the subject, her spokesman Tree House TV stated that Spears had been pregnant for at least the last week and sources state that the pregnancy is either a result of the residual sperm from Jamie Lynn’s original impregnation or of a possible incestuous relationship with a yet to be discovered twin.  Tree House TV spokesman Steve Guttenberg states, “We’re just pleased that the yet to be named fetus has decided to deal with issues in a mature way and had decided to progress with this pregnancy.  Unless, of course, the fetus herself is aborted in which case the fetus’ fetus would not technically be aborted but would suffer the same fate so realistically it’s about the same thing.  Our only fear is that this fetus’ fetus is impregnated with another fetus which is possibly impregnated by another and so on and so forth.  Just like a Matryoshka doll, except the dolls just keep getting infinitely smaller.”  Steve then showed us videos of the new Tree House TV safe sex campaign staring Loonette the Clown and Shakes the Clown in what can only be described as the greatest pornographic tragedy in the history of mankind.

Steve Guttenberg discusses how birthing Britney’s Spears’

teen sister’s pregnant fetus could

result in the opening of a Matryoshkian Pandora’s box

 Grandma Can’t Figure Out Why Her Son Is Trapped In New iPhone

 Hillary Clinton: “I did not have sexual relations with that man, Bill Clinton”

 Pakistan Declares State of “Gettin’ Down ‘n Dirty!”

 Jumbo Jet Crashes When Pilot Realizes He’s Afraid of Jumbo Jets

 Iran’s President Declares He Will Only Use Toilet With Padded Back

 Pitcher Can’t Get Ball Unglued From Hand

 Dick Cheney Controls George Bush’s Mind With Complex System of Gears and Pulleys

Verizon Unveils New Budget Cell Phone Plan For The Deaf

 Online Predators Choose Younger Targets: Sperm and Ovum?

 Micheal Vick Pleads Guilty To Lesser Offense of Promoting Cat Fights

A new DVD release of Fried Green Tomatoes released by Turner Classic Movies this Thursday reveals that in the original cast, Ruth Jamison, the character played by Mary-Louis Parker, was in fact originally played by Osama Bin Laden. Director Jon Avnet said the following on the DVD commentary:

“At first Osama seemed like a solid actor for the part. We knew that, out of all people, he could provide the performance that was needed to sell this heartwarming tale of suburban womanhood. Later in the filming, however, he revealed to us that he was diabetic, but because of his firm Islamic beliefs, refused to use porcine insulin. He became so hyperglycemic during the scene in the Valdosta courthouse that he began having seizures and had to be flown by air ambulance to the nearest hospital. He swore to us that Allah had told him in his ketoacidotic coma that he should never finish this movie or else he would burn in hell with a million infidels. So that evening we casted Mary-Louis to play the role and the rest is history.”

Linens ‘N Things, a company that has spent the last several decades catering to the domestic desires of women across North America, has unveiled a new store design which it hopes will not only attract new male customers, but also satisfy the rarely cited Saskatchewan “truth in advertising” law.  Pictured below is the new front entrance of the store.