Taurus - When you gift your boss a Nintendo 64 in hopes of securing a promotion you’ll see that Jenkins in accounting has already given him a Nintendo 65.

Gemini - The hospital crematorium will be closed for pest control when you kill two birds with one gallstone.

Cancer - Your hike will be called short when your life bar reads 80% but your shit your pants bar reads 100%

Leo - You will name your first born son “Tucker”.  You will immediately start beating him.

Virgo - 5 billion light years away a supermassive black hole will swallow an entire galaxy.  Meanwhile you’ll be frustrated that you dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.

Libra - A good sign that you should stop drinking is when you wake up outside nude after having had sex with a garbage bag full of rotten prunes, then immediately begin eating them to prevent the shakes

Scorpio - You will get tired of eating hormone fed beef and just start eating the hormones

Sagittarius - A stickman and a midget will come to you with an offer you can’t refuse: carry their child in your womb with the goal of creating a pencil factory

Capricorn - Your psychiatrist will advise that the best way to satisfy your urges to kill the tin man is to stab a bucket full of ketchup

Aquarius - A team of astronauts will curse that your Peak Everything Needed to Build And Maintain A Spaceship Theory was in fact correct.

Pisces - Your trip to the Taco Bell dog’s grave will be rudely interrupted when the Noid steals your pizza

“Overall the reception has been quite good amongst prison inmates, the homeless and newborn babies,” laments Children’s Television Workshop president Larry Goldfeather.  “It performed worst amongst people who have and are aware of having eyes.”

“He’s very old fashioned,” Franklin (Jane) is quoted as saying, “He wanted me to take not only his first name but also his last.”

Franklin’s five children are also to take his name, the family will all celebrate their birthday together (on Franklin’s birthday) and they must all sleep in the same bed in a stack squeezed tightly enough together that a casual observer may think them to be a single person.

In what he describes as “Getting back to my roots”, Vin Diesel has begun work on the sequel to the Too Fast Too Furious franchise which originally brought his name into the spotlight.  In his new film, Diesel is an oiled up grease monkey who meets a transsexual race car driver played by Rupaul.  They work together closely to win the race car championship that takes place at the top of Brokeback Mountain.  Their relationship gets too close and Diesel’s mother forbids him from racing, forcing him instead to do all the baking for little Jimmy’s bar mitzvah.  Diesel spends the rest of his life wondering if the feelings he had for Paul were love or whether they were induced by the nitrous oxide that was leaking into the hermetically sealed cabin on their riced up 1987 Honda Civic.

“Now when a gang member asks me where they can sell their drugs, I respectfully tell them they can drop it off for free at the police station, then flex my biceps and point them in the right direction.  As soon as they see the big black faces on my muscles they quickly oblige. “

Waldo, most well known for his appearances in the Where’s Waldo book series, is releasing an album this week entitled “Invisible” .  A recent interview with the reclusive animated legend reveals the inspiration behind his latest ballads.

Newsicus: Waldo, after being in hiding so long, what prompted you to write this latest album?

Waldo: I just, you know, got excited about letting people get inside my head.  Letting them know what it’s like to be me, to feel me, to know me.  People just don’t understand what it’s like to be alone and I thought I’d give them a glimpse of the tragedy that I call my life.

Newsicus:  Many people have noted, however, that in your attempt to promote your album and your sense of isolation you’ve made yourself more recognizable.  Have you found this to be true?

Waldo: Oh no, nothing could be further from the truth.  As more people come to know me, my own personal experience becomes internalized.  Although they may see Waldo, they do not feel Waldo, and only in feeling Waldo do they get to find the true me.

Newsicus: Do you think in seeing you, though, that people will become less interested in your books?

Waldo: I think, in seeing me, people will become more interested in finding me outside of the book and the book will become an accessory in their path to discovering me and discovering themselves.

Newsicus: Could you tell us about your new album?

Waldo: I call it INVISIBLE.  I wrote it while hiding in at the beach under an umbrella.  The heat made my body feel like it was melding with the Earth around me.  As I started to absorb the radiation from the sun, a bully ran up and kicked sand into my face.  I started crying, he started laughing, girls turned away in disgust and I curled up in the fetal position and singing to myself a soft lullaby to pull me away from this world.  This song is my opus and is a hidden track on my album!!!

Newsicus: And the rest is history.  Any parting words for our viewers?

Waldo:  Don’t be afraid to cry, don’t be afraid to die, don’t be afraid when the pages close and the lights go out because one day you might wake up in a used book store and your whole life will begin anew.

Larry King, above right, is pictured smoking a Limited Edition Vans TNT skating shoe with his friend Chico Calzone

In a last ditch attempt to grasp his near expired life, Larry King took a break from his TV talk show to visit a local night club to, “light up a pump and loiter with the local truants.”  King, who recently announced his retirement from the television talk scene, has stated that he is planning to relive the golden years of his youth that were fettered away during his rise to stardom.  “I’m going to have it all.  A fit full of sawbucks, living it large with divorces in big brassieres at the moving picture show, a new steering knob for my horseless carriage and, pardon my french, a few  ‘zany’ records to play on the old horn while watching my new oscilloscope down at the rotary.  It’s going to be a smashing good time.”  He then lit up a Vans shoe, which his bastard child had left at his home 17 years ago, and smoked it with several youth who referred to him as the “Old Dude Smoking a Shoe”.

Above: The fetus gets an ultrasound of its fetus

In news that has shocked the entertainment world, Britney Spears’ teen sister Jamie Lynn Spear’s fetus has announced that she has become pregnant at the tender age of 6 weeks gestation.  Although (yet to be named) Spears did not comment directly on the subject, her spokesman Tree House TV stated that Spears had been pregnant for at least the last week and sources state that the pregnancy is either a result of the residual sperm from Jamie Lynn’s original impregnation or of a possible incestuous relationship with a yet to be discovered twin.  Tree House TV spokesman Steve Guttenberg states, “We’re just pleased that the yet to be named fetus has decided to deal with issues in a mature way and had decided to progress with this pregnancy.  Unless, of course, the fetus herself is aborted in which case the fetus’ fetus would not technically be aborted but would suffer the same fate so realistically it’s about the same thing.  Our only fear is that this fetus’ fetus is impregnated with another fetus which is possibly impregnated by another and so on and so forth.  Just like a Matryoshka doll, except the dolls just keep getting infinitely smaller.” Steve then showed us videos of the new Tree House TV safe sex campaign staring Loonette the Clown and Shakes the Clown in what can only be described as the greatest pornographic tragedy in the history of mankind.

Steve Guttenberg discusses how birthing Britney’s Spears’

teen sister’s pregnant fetus could

result in the opening of a Matryoshkian Pandora’s box

A new DVD release of Fried Green Tomatoes released by Turner Classic Movies this Thursday reveals that in the original cast, Ruth Jamison, the character played by Mary-Louis Parker, was in fact originally played by Osama Bin Laden. Director Jon Avnet said the following on the DVD commentary:

“At first Osama seemed like a solid actor for the part. We knew that, out of all people, he could provide the performance that was needed to sell this heartwarming tale of suburban womanhood. Later in the filming, however, he revealed to us that he was diabetic, but because of his firm Islamic beliefs, refused to use porcine insulin. He became so hyperglycemic during the scene in the Valdosta courthouse that he began having seizures and had to be flown by air ambulance to the nearest hospital. He swore to us that Allah had told him in his ketoacidotic coma that he should never finish this movie or else he would burn in hell with a million infidels. So that evening we casted Mary-Louis to play the role and the rest is history.”